Somehow I’ve hit 28 weeks pregnant and am in the final trimester.
In some ways, it feels like July is creeping up on me. We still haven’t totally settled on a name. For now, she’s mostly “Butterfly”, the girls’ placeholder choice. We still haven’t made many birth decisions other than that we’re aiming for a second home birth. Twelve-ish weeks seems like such a long time and none at all.
It’s got to the point where I feel like I will never not feel this brand of tired. Thankfully, I remember with Ophelia that pregnancy exhaustion dissipated soon after she was born. It’s not the same as the fog of sleep deprivation – a beast of its own – but rather a strange, overwhelming, chemical experience, coating all of life.
A visit with a GP threw up that I’m a little low on iron and deficient in Vitamin D so I’m hoping that addressing both of those might help with energy levels. Regardless, I’m now managing to push through our days a little more, figuring I might as well if I’m going to be tired anyway.
Today as I wilted into a chair, yawning, Talitha asked: “Mummy, will you be pregnant forever?” Pregnancy must seem endless to her.
Perhaps more than with either of my previous pregnancies, I’ve psychologically needed all these months and need the ones to come. I no longer feel daunted by the idea of what’s ahead but am actively looking forward to growing into a family of five, to meeting this new baby.
I had a midwife appointment on Friday. We confirmed the baby’s position and it was a thrill to know that what I’d figured was accurate. Listening to her heartbeat, strong and clear, was a powerful reminder that she really is here, with me, while I carry her through all the distractions of the day.
She seems to move more than the other two did, often late and night and early in the morning. I’ve started enjoying lying on my side and tuning into her movements in the early mornings before the rest of the family wake up.
My moods have improved quite a lot. It could be the sunshine. It could be that I’m out in the garden with the kids more or that I feel able to walk more now that Ophelia is willing to walk and doesn’t need to be pushed or carried as much. It could be that Laurence has been around a bit more, with work coming in more slowly. It could be that I’m planning ahead more, committing more cautiously and ticking more off my to-do list. Whatever it is, I now feel like I’m coping most of the time, which isn’t something I could have said a few weeks ago.
I’m even looking forward to the birth now. The dread that themed the idea has been replaced mostly by feeling open.
I’m keenly aware that I need to exercise more than I currently am. Not only will I need the fitness for birth but a friend recently reminded me of how important movement in pregnancy is for the baby’s positioning. I also want to get started on listening to the hypnobirthing CD this week and revisiting its concepts. I know these are things I need to do to get ready for the birth but they’re not hanging over me as overwhelming self-imposed obligations.
Mostly, I’m grateful to enter this trimester able to imagine this baby, at last.