Delilah is seven months old and I’ve been meaning to write this post since just before she turned six months old. So that says something about how it’s all going, I guess. I feel like it’s all been a bit nonstop, with this baby and the move and a host of other unsettlers that come with family life and getting older.
For the first time in five and a half years of being a mother, I genuinely feel like I want a holiday and I don’t mean anything like our family trip to Thailand back in December.
I find myself thinking, “When this settles”, “When that settles” about so many things. When the baby’s sitting up, when we finally all move to Cornwall, when we’re in our new house, when we’ve settled into a new community…
At the same time, I know I don’t want to wish our lives away. There is so much to smile at in the every day, the right now. My kids can see it. They don’t wake up thinking about the future. They’re ready to enjoy today. I have to hold on to that because it won’t settle for quite some time since we’re not even moved into our new house yet. And then life has a way of throwing something else in just when you’ve got your head around everything.
Right now, I’m struggling. I feel rubbish even admitting that because I know I have so much to be grateful for, so much that I am grateful for and it seems whiney not to be able to just flip the switch and be 100 per cent positive.
I’m getting through the days with the kids but keep winding up wondering why others are so much better at it and enjoying it more than I am.
I know that isn’t rational. If another woman said that to me, I’d wish she could see the brilliant life building stuff she’s doing. In fact, maybe if I were doing more support work right now, I’d have a bit more perspective – just a random musing.
This was supposed to be a reflection on what it’s like half a year in with three kids. I suppose, in a way, it is. I feel like my parenting bandwidth is maxed out. I have no desire to be any busier parenting-wise. But it’s impossible for me to say if that’s purely because of the kids or because of all the other stuff going on in our lives right now.
I cannot separate my experience of having this seven month old from my experience of mothering a five and a half year old and an almost three year old. None of us would be the people we are without Delilah. Everything that came before her is a struggle to recall.
She fills our lives with smiles and growls and giggles and raspberries. She pulls our hair and bites our faces because she’s teething. She fills my mind with beauty even just writing about her right now. I put these words down and everything feels that little bit more manageable.
Because it will all get more manageable in its own way. Or at least it will settle. And once we’re in a new home and in a new routine, when we’re less exposed and raw, life can throw that new thing in and hopefully we’ll be a little bit more ready to take it on.