Best two years of my life

We were up at 4am with Talitha screaming and us tearing our hair out trying to work out why. She wouldn’t latch on to the breast so we got the supplemental nursing system out, poured in an ounce of milk I’d expressed earlier and thankfully the faster flow calmed her down enough for her to feed properly.

I sat feeling sorry for myself because my milk supply has significantly dipped again. But even though he had to go to work and could seriously use the sleep, Laurence sat with me. He listened, he empathised, he longed to help.

The worst part of the night feeds is being alone. I don’t get any of this romanticising about “all those hours when it was just me and my baby”. At best, feeding at some godforsaken hour of the morning is boring. At worst, it’s depressing when I’m not convinced Talitha’s satisfied.

Then he sent me a text around 9am: “Happy anniversary. Happy 2 years. Best of my life.”

Oh man, I’d forgotten it was our anniversary today. Everything is overshadowed by what’s-happening-with-the-baby.

I drank in the significance of what he’d written. Talitha is now 3 months old. For the last year, I’ve been sick, hormonal and often a pain to live with because of my SPD (I don’t ache gracefully) and my shaken identity. I had pregnancy brain then baby brain. He considers the birth the most traumatic event of his life. Our nights have been disturbed, our baby fussy and we don’t know why and the breastfeeding dilemma persistently hangs over us. And yet he considers this year one of the best of his life.

And so do I. This year we’ve dreamed together about our family and future. We’ve struggled, argued out of frustration and forgiven each other. A baby was made with our love. Every day we marvel at smiles, milestones met, a human life begun.

And over Cornish fish last Wednesday, meeting our own milestone by leaving the baby with her grandparents for 2 whole hours, we remembered that we still quite like each other.

So I agree. Best of my life.

Soppy post done.


  1. September 5, 2011 / 10:14 am

    Happy anniversary! Adding a new baby in the mix definitely requires some adjustment on all parts. It will be even better now that the most difficult early weeks have passed,
    I tend to read while I breastfeed, a book if I’m lying down with baby,if not phone or ipod works best 🙂

    • September 6, 2011 / 9:08 am

      Thanks. It certainly does require adjustment! Feeds are now around an hour and it takes 30 mins after that for her to go to sleep so I guess I do have time to do some serious reading.

  2. Anonymous
    September 5, 2011 / 10:35 am

    Aww congratulations- he’s very sweet and supportive. Must be hard for the guys who feel unable to help when we have trouble breastfeeding. Hope the nights gets better- she’s still only little so it will get easier. I used to read more complex baby info on my phone or play easy games (with dimmed brightness so I didn’t wake up hubby) while BF in bed at night as I knew it would be for at least 20mins. Or just mull things over in my head. From 4/5mths I think I’d just sleep while Leon fed.

    • September 6, 2011 / 9:07 am

      Yes I think partners often don’t quite know what to do, especially when it’s not something that they can problem-solve! She was sleeping through the night til quite recently which is why I’m finding it quite hard to readjust! Wish I could sleep while she feeds like you did with Leon. For some reason she can’t access the milk properly when I’m lying down no matter what I do.

  3. Ella
    September 5, 2011 / 10:54 am

    Congratulations , I love the book Illusions by Richard Bach and it’s message about challenges being gifts because they shape us and teach us , seems like you guys are on a steep learning curve at the moment , I’ve had times like that and looking back they were good times.

    • September 6, 2011 / 9:04 am

      Sounds like a worthwhile read. It’ll be interesting looking back!

  4. September 5, 2011 / 11:21 am

    Love you both, a lot. Well, I mean you three! 🙂 x

    • September 6, 2011 / 9:03 am

      We both (I’d say all but can’t say for one of us yet) love you. 😛 Looking forward to your wedding. x

  5. Angela
    September 5, 2011 / 12:43 pm

    😀 Happy Anniversary 😀

  6. Syreeta
    September 5, 2011 / 3:17 pm

    happy anniversary i really admire you for your convictions and persistent and always looking on the bright side i really enjoy your blog thanks for sharing x

    • September 6, 2011 / 9:02 am

      Thanks Syreeta. Trying to keep positive and actually there’s lots to be positive about. Glad you enjoy this space. x

  7. MsXpat
    September 7, 2011 / 7:55 pm

    Lovely heartfelt post. I hear you and totally understand what your going through. My son is 9mths old, the time flies especially when you are caught up in getting by day to day. I hope things get better soon. Did you enjoy those two hours :0)

    • September 7, 2011 / 9:24 pm

      Thank you. Yes, I did. It felt strange but it was good for us.

  8. Annalisa
    September 7, 2011 / 9:13 pm

    Yayyy, a happy post actually! Happy Anniversary! xxxx

    • September 7, 2011 / 9:24 pm

      I don’t think my posts are unhappy, actually. Honest but not unhappy. 🙂 Thank you. x

  9. Anonymous
    September 9, 2011 / 5:54 pm

    Happy Anniversary! Night feeds get less frequent soon, promise xxx

    • September 10, 2011 / 8:36 am

      Thanks. They were less frequent, then started up even more frequently than they’d been in the beginning, then last night she slept from 9 til 6! I’m confused. 🙂

      • Anonymous
        September 10, 2011 / 2:58 pm

        Let’s hope that happens again tonight. My little one sleeps well at night, but feeds really frequently all day! Ah well, it doesn’t last long x

  10. Esther Alexander
    September 9, 2011 / 11:09 pm

    A bit late, I’ll admit, but Happy Anniversary to you both! I read in a book recently about finding contentment by ‘sprinkling our lives with whatever small gratifications give us day to day pleasure’. It fits my current verse and resonates with what I’m learning all the time: how important it is to enjoy the day to day sprinkles…To live a life of gratitude – for in spite of difficulties, richness surrounds us in the mundane and everyday things, not just the glorious (and all too infrequent) heights… well, that’s what I’m learning, and I was reminded of it when reading your post! Enjoy all those sprinkles! xo

    • September 10, 2011 / 8:37 am

      Thank you. I think that is very true. And actually the sprinkles are becoming more frequent. Looking back on this week, it’s definitely been more enjoyable than difficult.

  11. September 12, 2011 / 8:18 pm

    A belated anniversary! It’s so easy to forget how much you love each other when you have a screaming new addition in the house. We had never really argued before F came along and it was a shock to realise we could actually shout at each other in such anger. And, like Laurence, the NLM also considers the birth the most traumatic experience of his life. But despite those difficult times, there’ve been amazing, beautiful ones too. They more than make up for the tricky days. x

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