For ages I’ve been telling people that I’m reading this fantastic book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith called ToddlerCalm: A guide for calmer toddlers and happier parents. She sent me a copy as a thank you for providing a quote at the book’s start. Yet I hadn’t got around to finishing it because I have an unrealistic reading list at the moment. Instead, I read the introductory chapters and would dart in and out of other topics as I hit times of stress with my toddler.
Talitha, at two years and eight months has leapt to a new stage in her development where she often automatically tells me “no” when I ask or tell her to do anything. She also often does exactly what I instruct her not to do. It’s frustrating because this new expression of will isn’t one I’ve yet developed the creativity or calm to cope with. So, just as she’s growing and changing, I need to as well.
With the new baby imminent (38 weeks tomorrow!) I devoured ToddlerCalm. It’s such a quick and accessible read. I feel like I’m sitting with Ockwell-Smith, chatting about all things child, one to five.
As I sip my coffee, I don’t feel she’s condescending to me. She doesn’t present herself as the expert. In fact, she affirms that I know my child better than anyone. I moan about selective eating and tantrums I don’t understand. She doesn’t whizz in with one-size-fits-all answers but helps me to think things through, equipping me to reach my own solutions.
She’s pulling from personal experience (her own and others’) which reassures me that I’m not the only one walking this path and making mistakes along the way. Yet she also pulls together an impressive amount of research, drawing from neurology, child psychology and other disciplines. In fact, many of the books she cites are ones that have long been on my parenting reading list.
ToddlerCalm isn’t a religion. I don’t feel I have to agree with everything. Most of it does speak true to me, though. I’ve never been comfortable with using praise, rewards or punishments as disciplinary strategies, even when I couldn’t explain why. This book gets inside why they don’t work for all children in the long term and what our alternatives could be. I’m not, however, too hot on the potty training views. I believe that babies are born ready, we just don’t listen to their cues to help them with their elimination needs.
While ToddlerCalm very much focuses on understanding young children and learning how to parent them with unconditional love, this isn’t to be confused with parenting permissively. This isn’t a framework in which children have no boundaries or discipline. It’s simply thinking about how we can guide them while respecting them, and with long-term effect. Sometimes, they will cry. That’s unavoidable. There is space for both compassion and limits here.
I’ve previously taken a short parenting course with ToddlerCalm, so was already familiar with some of the concepts the book held key. However, this was such a helpful and timely read for me. Even since finishing it last week, it’s helped me to be more patient with both Talitha and myself. Already I’m finding that I’m enjoying our time together more. I’m also beginning to address habits I’ve not felt good about for quite some time. I feel freer to follow my instincts on a lot of things. All in all, I’d lend this book to anyone with a whole-hearted recommendation.
PS: I’ve included an affiliate link to Amazon. That just means that if you click through and buy it, I’ll get a few pence to spend on a cuppa or something.