You can’t have it all…right now

We’re already halfway through March and this is the first time I’ve blogged this month, which is unusual for me. It’s not at all that I’ve had blogger’s block. In fact, there is lots I’ve been thinking about and lots I’d like to share with you. But life has gotten in the way.

I hardly ever blog in the day because Ophelia just won’t have me sitting still and if I’m in front of a screen, Talitha wants to be too. I don’t mind her looking at a bit of TV or playing a game on the iPad, really, but I can never tell when I sit down to blog how long it’s going to take me, and I usually reserve screen time for when I’m desperate to put Ophelia down for a nap (her big sister’s presence in the room is like a caffeine shot).

So this means I have to blog at night, after they’re in bed. I love this blog. I’ve made great friends through it. It’s helped me think through some tough issues. And I believe it’s helped and encouraged a few people too, which isn’t what I set out for it to do back in 2010 when I started it, but I’m so glad this has happened.

In the past couple of weeks, though, I’ve finally understood why people keep saying: “I don’t know how you find the time to blog.” Ophelia’s been ill and waking up a lot (combination of bunged up nose and developmental stuff). I’ve become really aware recently that over-tiredness is making me anxious and impatient. So, I finally have started going to bed at the time I should: 10pm or, at a push, 11pm (don’t ask what time I was going to bed before…)

I’ve found that it’s made a huge difference in the day. I am so much more creative and playful with the children. Even the house is looking better. But the more sleep I’ve had, the more I crave. I’m feeling unproductive in the evenings. I’m also aware of how many other things I should probably be doing with this time, many of them revolving around home and family life.

And there are things that need to be done outside of that, commitments I’ve made to other people and organisations. There are books to be read, activities to be planned, projects to be finished, conversations to be had, interests to be rediscovered…and the awareness rumbling vaguely beneath the surface of it all that I’m limited in what I can do right now. That I can’t have it all…right now.

That sounds rather defeatist, I know. It’s not meant to be. I know things will settle. Energy and time will be found for the things that matter most. Priorities will be made. Whatever falls by the wayside does not have to be forever forgotten.

[she/her] • writer • unschooler • team Soul Farm • Revillaging podcast • breastfeeding counsellor • Trinidadian in Cornwall

Join the discussion

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • I have the exact same screen issue with my daughter (aged 2). In fact, add phone calls or any adult conversation to that as well…! I don’t think you are being defeatist at all… You are doing a great job which uses a huge amount of physical, mental and emotional energy! It is really frustrating when there is so much you want (and need) to do but need to sacrifice things in order to remain sane! It’s important to remember it’s not forever and to hold on to those dreams of even the little things you will do when you get the chance. I only have one child and I probably could do more with my time but I prioritise sleep and exercise at the moment as I know those are the things that send me potty if I miss out!

  • there has been no job more exhausting, demanding of my time and emotionally consuming as raising my two. Like living in a fog of white stained shoulders, anticipating “garbage truck” day, crazy remedies for mastitis and conjunctivitis, and inability to finish adult conversations. But the fog is clearing, and it will for you too! My first at school, I’m employed full time in a senior role, and I’m thankful that I can now add multitasking, conflict resolution and paediatric specialisation to my lifeskills resume! Xx

  • It is so hard sometimes to find the time to do everything, or more like completely impossible and you are right about letting some things go. For me it’s the cleaning though! My house is always such a mess but blogging has to come before it as I earn money from it and we really do need it. The thing I hate is that no matter how much I do, there is always more. I only ever feel like I’m doing the minimum and I keep thinking ‘oh yes, I will make a list and get organised for when I’m on top of things’ only I don’t think I ever will be! x
    Jess @ Along Came Cherry recently posted..Vintage Charity Shop Finds And DIY Projects On A Budget

  • I really identify with this! My drafts folder is full of unfinished posts and my head is full of ideas for more, but life is crazy at the moment and the colds/teething seem never-ending. I crave the me-time of blogging, but I know that time and energy go up and down and busy months in the real world will inevitably lead to really quiet ones in the online one. I should get more sleep too, I know I should, but again I crave that time in the evening and find it hard to give it up. Really should try and follow your example of 10pm bedtimes though as it sounds like it really makes a difference in the daytime. I’m sure the cumulative effect of a year’s worth of disturbed nights would be much less if I made the effort to go to bed earlier…

  • Tell me about it – Littlest has been poorly and has had a bad patch of sleep and I have failed to do so much over the last few weeks

    This phase will pass, life will evolve and move on and it will all come back together – perhaps it will be a bit different but it will get fixed and improve
    Muddling Along recently posted..Emerging from survival mode